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specific day for that month.
The Indian government releases thousands of scavenger turtles into the Ganges River each year
to help it recycle thousands of decomposing human bodies thrown into it each year. Whole corpses, along with partially cremated bodies,
are traditionally thrown into this river by Hindus who believe the water has Holy properties. (Third class families, of which there are
millions, usually can not afford to buy enough wood to properly cremate their loved ones. So, symbolically, they burn what they can,
then throw the rest into the river.)
The Dallas grocery chain Minyard's pulled the November 1993 issue of Discovery magazine
because the cover photo showed a sculpture of two apes with their genitals exposed. "When it shows the genitals or the breasts,"
Minyard's president Jay L. Williams said, "We're going to pull it." (Let's hope his hands were soft, too.)
During a visit to Denver, by then Vice President Al Gore (1993-2001), Hamlet Barry III, chief
of that City's water department, decided the South Platte River looked too shallow to serve as a backdrop for Gore's riverfront photo
opportunity, so he raised the water level by releasing 96 millions gallons. The Rocky Mountain News reported the water's value
at $59,000, which would have supplied nearly 300 families for a year.
Jermund Skogstad, 50, of Oslo, Norway, moved into his new apartment, then immediately left to
shop for food. Unfortunately, he forgot his wallet, which had his new address inside, and soon he realized he could not find his way
back to his new apartment. "How embarrassing," he told a local newspaper a month later, hoping his new landlady, to whom he had paid a
months rent in advance, might read his story in the paper.
Dr. Janis Ashley told a Sedalia, Missouri, newspaper she would soon have a sex-change operation
so she could find a wife and raise a family. She had been a woman for 11 years, following her first sex-change operation.
After visiting Disneyland, Billy Jean Matey filed a lawsuit in Orange County, California,
claiming she and her grandchildren suffered from negligence and emotional distress inflicted on them because they caught a glimpse of
Disney characters taking off their costumes, "exposing the children to the reality of the fact that the characters are only make believe."
When a court in Stockholm, Sweden, barred John Asonius, 41, from taping his trial, he took his
recorder and beat the heads of both his court appointed defense attorneys. After guards were able to subdue the defendant, and his
attorneys were able to stop bleeding and receive medical treatment, his trial began again, with his attorneys sitting at a respectful
distance.
A LITTLE EXTRA SHAKING GOING ON BESIDES THAT EARTHQUAKE
When U.S. corporations sent relief supplies to India's Maharashtra state after the 1993
earthquake, items included were dental floss, contact lens cleaner and lubricants for sexual intimacy.
PERHAPS HE HIMSELF SUFFERED FROM "ALL IN THE FAMILY"
A state representative from Louisiana, Carl Gunter, opposed an exception to an anti-abortion
bill for victims of incest, saying "Inbreeding is how we get championship horses."
The U.S. Government announced in October 1994 it would reduce funding for food banks and other
programs that fed Americans living below the poverty line by $55 million. The same day, the same U.S. Government announced it would
spend $47 million to train Haiti's police force.
SOMEBODY CALL THE COPS!.... ON NO!... THEY IS THEM!
As many as one hundred New York Police
officers, described by Police Commissioner William Bratton as "morons and
nitwits," went on a drunken rampage at a downtown Washington, D.C., hotel.
Witnesses said officers fired their weapons into the air, groped women,
sprayed fire extinguishers, stripped naked and set off fire alarms. After a
two month investigation, one officer resigned and twenty-nine were
reprimanded for taking their guns out of state.
Just before Christmas
2003, ABC NEWS reported the Mexico City Police Department
had announced it would not arrest drunk drivers on either
Christmas Eve or New Year's Eve because "Most people are
home on those two nights anyway."
IF ALIVE, THE JUDGE
COULD'VE SENTENCED HIM TO A HALF-WAY HOUSE
Authorities found a body
half-way through a basement window, in Williamsport,
Pennsylvania. A would-be burglar, wearing a heavy coat and
two sweaters against the severe cold, had become stuck
squeezing through the 15" by 18" window.
Jorge Rodriquez, 22,
spoke no English and had no lawyer when he appeared in a
Kenosha, Wisconsin, court on charges of drunk driving. But
he still appeared cheerful and confident as he approached
the judge and handed over a GET OUT OF JAIL FREE card, which
that county sheriff's opponent in the upcoming election had
printed thousands of.
Several years before his
overthrow, in December 1989, Romanian dictator Nicolae
Ceaucescu (1918-1989) responded to critical letters written
by Romanians to Radio Free Europe by ordering hand writing
samples be taken of each and every Romanian citizen, meaning
approximately 20 million samples would be required to
satisfy his sick mind. (He didn't even have copies of the
letters to compare.)
Back in the late 1990s
the U.S. Army tested an air-defense gun named "Sergeant
York". It was designed to home-in on the whirling blades of
helicopters and propeller-driven aircraft. Instead, it
ignored the chopper targets and demolished a ventilating
fan, as well as the outdoor toilet underneath.
Dr. Maurice Nelligan,
one of Ireland's leading heart surgeons, blamed the police
for running such a successful campaign against drunk
driving, it had caused a shortage of transplantable organs.
At the first
International Workshop on Bad Breath, held in Tel Aviv,
Shlomo Goren, a former chief rabbi of Israel, declared bad
breath is a legitimate reason for divorce. He said several
couples had been granted divorces because of halitosis.
Gordon Benjamin was
granted parole from a Shirley, Massachusetts,
maximum-security state prison, but decided to remain behind
bars for two more months in order to appear as Sir Lancelot
in an inmate production of Camelot.
In New Castle,
Pennsylvania, Judge Ralph Pratt sentenced Albert Mangino to
30 days behind bars for drunk driving. His Honor then
completed the sentencing by giving Mr. Mangino work release
status so he could leave jail each day and go to his usual
work, betting on horses at West Virginia racetracks.
When Dallas police told
Charlie and Sharon Reed their banana-yellow 1978 Volkswagen
convertible had been recovered they were very happy. And
they were even happier when they inspected their vehicle at
the police pound. Before its theft, their little car had a
cracked windshield and a smashed rear end. Now it had a new
windshield, new bumper, new fenders and a paint
job.......and a full tank of gas.
According to ABC's Paul
Harvey News, a young man in Illinois named Copps was on
probation for marijuana possession, and was required to take
a urine test every 30 days. But, rather than give up the
habit, he obtained his urine sample from his cousin.
Unfortunately, that urine sample proved the probationer had
changed over from smoking pot to using cocaine.
THIS MENTALITY: FROM
FATHER AND BROTHER ONE AND THE SAME?
While the world moved
forward in the 1960s, in Gaston County, North Carolina, a
group of parents were demanding all maps used in classrooms
have both Germany and "all" African countries removed
because they said those countries were all "antichristian."
These parents also demanded the Greek alphabet not be taught
because the Greeks endorsed homosexuality.
A tour operator was sued
by a German couple who had taken a Caribbean cruise to enjoy
Calypso music they were never able to hear. That's because
most of the other 600 passengers on board were members of
the Swiss Union of Friends of Folk Music. According to the
lawsuit, most of the 600 yodeled day and night for the
entire 14-days-and-and-nights at sea. A Frankfurt District
Court ordered a refund of one-third of the couples $4,478
fare.
A stroke victim
hospitalized in a Berkeley, California, could only
communicate with his eyes, one blink meaning "yes" and two
blinks meaning "no", until a local group raised $4,000 to
purchase a special computer so he could write sentences with
only the slightest touch of his finger. Once everything was
installed, and the silent man could express his most needed
need, he typed 21 letters and three spaces, which read,
"PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!!!"
Guatemalan President
Jorge Serrano Elias defended himself against television
footage showing the born-again Christian leaving a New York
City topless club, by blaming leftist guerrilla
"manipulation" of the video tape.
The New York State
Lottery had to suspend the numbers 3569 by noon on December
27, 1989, because too many people had selected those
numbers. Why? New York Yankees' manager Billy Martin had
been killed a few days before in an accident, and the
license plate number on the truck was VR3569.
In January 2004, Larry
Powell, columnist for The Dallas Morning News, quoted from
that paper's archives in 1966, "Single-season homer king and
two-time American League MVP Roger Maris, 31, agrees to a
$70,000-a-year contract with the New York Yankees." In that
same 2004 newspaper, the Associated Press reported,
"Two-time American League MVP former Ranger Juan Gonzalez
agreed Tuesday to a one-year contract with the Kansas City
Royals that guarantees him $4.5 million."
GUESS THEY DON'T KEEP UP
WITH "THE COLONIES" MUCH?
According to ABC's Paul
Harvey News, when a musical about a U.S. city opened in
London, 65% of people questioned there had no idea which
city it was about, even though the title of the production
was CHICAGO.
Police in the state of
Washington labeled the death of Christian Agar, 27,
"suspicious" after his body was found along side U.S.
Highway 101 covered entirely from head-to-toe in duct tape.
(Perhaps he committed suicide?)
A Berlin Heights, Ohio,
couple sued a local pizza company for $125,000, saying a bad
pizza had caused the death of their dog. The suit claimed a
pizza they tried to eat was so rotten and moldy, it made
them ill. Therefore, it was the pizza company's fault, when
they backed out rushing to a hospital, and backed over their
poor dog Fluffy. (Fluffy wasn't fluffy anymore.)
The Dayton, Ohio,
Daily News reported the Pentagon was providing salaries
and benefits for 680 military personnel behind bars for such
crimes as murder, rape and child molestation. This error
alone cost taxpayers more than $1 million a month. (Someone
once wrote, people will get as much government as they are
willing to tolerate.)
Some years ago the
Illinois state legislature gave the Department of
Conservation $180,000 to create a program to study the
contents of owl vomit, to determine what foods owls ate
during different seasons. (But don't they eat bugs and mice
in spring, bugs and mice in summer, bugs and mice in fall,
bugs and mice in winter?)
Ghanaian police officer
Mustapha Garbah testified in an Accra court that he pulled
over a Ford Escort for speeding and, at first glance, was
amazed to see how ugly the whole family of passengers
appeared to be. Then he took a second look and was surprised
to discover "the family" was actually fourteen pregnant
goats wearing T-shirts. Driver John Ofosu admitted stealing
the animals from villages in the Ashanti region.
When villagers in
Turalei, Sudan, were interviewed in 1989, they had no idea
one of their own, pro basketball player Manute Bol, was
famous in America. But they sent a message: "If Manute is
still alive, tell him his wife has married another and most
of his cattle were stolen. But if he has no cows and wants
to marry an American woman, we can get the cows together for
him. Just let us know how many cows the woman's family
demands."
YOU CAN BET SHE GOT ALL
FLUSHED OVER THAT DECISION
The Virginia Supreme
Court upheld a $150,000 jury verdict to Martha J. Love for
back injuries sustained when she fell off a loose toilet
seat in a Richmond office building.
The Georgia State Gaming
Commission had spent a goodly amount of time arguing pro and
con on what regulations were needed for alligator rides,
when they realized a tiny typing error had created
"alligator rides" instead of "alligator hides".
Cellist Augustinas
Vassiliauskas of the Soviet Vilnius string quartet was
climbing back to the podium for the third round of applause
at the 1980 Kuhmo Music Festival when he tripped and fell on
his prized Ruggieri cello, breaking the 300-year-old
instrument beyond repair.
HE COULDN'T THUMB HIS
NOSE AT THOSE RULES, OR ANYTHING
The Supreme Court upheld
a ruling that cut off disability benefits to Paul E.
Spragens of Wyoming. With no use of either arm, and limited
use of his legs, Mr. Spragens was earning $349.26 a month as
a book indexer by typing with his toes, but Federal rules
limited his disabled earnings to no more than $300 a month.
Several inmates escaped
from a prison near Aix-en-Province, France, by climbing over
the wall on ladders left behind by workers installing wire
on top of the walls... to stop escapes.
General Motors notified
Buick LeSabre owners their cars' instruction books contained
an error, and attached a corrected manual with these
instructions for proper use: "Please place the (new) owner's
manual in your vehicle's glove box and discard the old
manual. Or, take the new manual to your dealership and it
will be installed free". A Chicago Buick dealer said he had
two owners bring in their new books for installation.
Irishman Bob Finnegan, 22, was crossing a Belfast street in 1976, when struck by a taxi. Before he could get up
off the street, he was hit by another car, knocking him into the gutter. As a crowd gathered, a small van plowed into the crowd,
injuring three, and hitting Finnegan again. When a fourth vehicle headed for the crowd, all scattered, allowing the vehicle to run over
Finnegan again. (In two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken pelvis, broken leg, and other injuries. Hospital officials
did said he would recover.)
WHY NOT NEEDLES AND
THREAD TO SEW THEIR MOUTHS, ALSO?
People living near Hong
Kong stadium objected to a planned rock concert because of
the noise. To please both the fans and the neighbors, the
promoters handed out more than 17,500 pairs of gloves to
those attending the concert... to muffle their applause.
A man using an outhouse
near Lawrence, Kansas, lost his footing while trying to
retrieve his wallet, and fell through the toilet seat into
the storage pit below. He was stuck there for seven hours in
three foot deep human waste before being rescued. Douglas
County Sheriff Loren Anderson said the man was unhurt "but
in a pretty bad mood".
WONDER IF THE BAILIFF
AND COURT REPORTER GOT IN ON THE FUN?
Convicted of murder in
Mendocino, California, Thomas Marston argued in his appeal
that conflict of interest had caused the conviction. To
support his case, Marston submitted evidence his attorney
had fathered the child of the female district attorney, who,
in return, was hassling his attorney, the father, for child
support. And a witness told the appeals court the mother
told her the father of her child was not the lawyer, but the
judge in the case.
A small plane
crash-landed at Toledo's Express Airport in Ohio in 1984.
But not even the control tower noticed for half an hour.
That's when one of the three occupants of the little plane
was able to drag himself to the main terminal and ask
Express employees for help. (Take a number buddy. We'll be
right with you.)
THEY SHOULD'VE PRACTICED
IN THEIR ROOMS ON THEMSELVES FIRST
Two men with pistols
fired a total of twelve shots at each other, within only a
few feet of each other, in the hallway of their Cleveland,
Ohio, apartment. But no one was injured. Police speculated
the men, age 76 and 77, missed because one had glaucoma and
the other had to prop himself up with a cane each time
before firing.
What was the last thing Union Major General John Joseph Segewick said in May 1864, at the Battle of
Spotsylvania Court House? "They couldn't hit an elephant at this distan....."
COST THIS DRUNK ONE YEAR
IN JAIL AND $100 PER DEATH
A court in Anahuac, Texas,
sentenced a 60-year-old man to five years in prison and a $500 fine
for being intoxicated during an accident involving 25 vehicles and
killing five people. He had 18 previous drunk driving convictions.
In 1987, players for the
Stroitel Cheropovets soccer club, in the old Soviet Union,
reported their manager for corruption. They accused him of
keeping the money they had given him to bribe referees.
A female monkey in the
city of Kanpur, India, jumped onto a high-tension power wire
and electrocuted herself, causing a city blackout for
several hours. Ten days earlier, her mate had died when he
jumped on the same wire and also blacked out the city. The
United News of India reported the female had visited the
site of her mate's death daily until she jumped to her own
death.
In 1985 British zoos
stopped training chimpanzees to mimic humans at tea parties,
which they had been doing for years to entertain visitors.
Researchers said the chimps were losing their own identities
so completely they had given up sex, and the zoos were
running low on their kind. (No sex, please! We're
British.)
Even though Kenneth
Worles' drivers license had been suspended six times, he
didn't let that stand in his way. Naples Florida police
arrested him again for drunk driving, when he ran a red
light at a busy intersection, riding his ten-horsepower lawn
mower.
THESE SUPPORTERS WANTED
CHECKS FOR ATHLETIC SUPPORTERS
The Dallas Morning News reported the fathers of two girls playing on a
soccer team in Denton, Texas, became angry because their
team was losing badly, and demanded the gender of two of the
other team's players (age 10) be physically examined. (The
fathers were suspended as spectators for the rest of the
season.)
The most popular suicide location in
Caracas, Venezuela, is beneath the city where all underground trains must pass.
The favorite time of day to die is during rush hour, when it is possible for a
desperate soul to spread-eagle across enough tracks to shut down the entire
transit system for about one minute. (Andy Warhol, what about these folks' other
fourteen minutes?)
Judge Juan Flores sentenced Jose
Lopez of Villarrica, Paraguay, to die for first degree murder with a
shotgun, even though it meant his Siamese twin brother Alfredo,
joined at his side, would also die for the crime he tried to stop
his brother from committing.
When officials in
Wellington, New Zealand, applied for a permit to build a new
jail, the city's new building code required all persons
(which automatically included prisoners) to have access to
an exit in case of fire. "Which means if you put a prisoner
behind bars," Regional Commander Murry Jackson said, "you
have to give them the key to get out."
From Ohio: Noting the Toledo Express Airport was buying homes near its runways because the jet noise exceeded
government standards, Mayor Carty Finkbelner suggested the homes be sold at a discount to the hearing impaired.
Jason Goldfarb, 17, a junior at Nashoba Regional High School in Massachusetts, climbed to the top of a goal post
on the school's football field, and placed a wreath in memory of two classmates killed two days earlier in a car wreck. As Goldfarb
placed the memorial, and looked skyward in prayer, the five-hundred-pound goal post fell forward, crushing him to death.
A London bill collection
agency, Smelly Tramps, LTD., sends out foul smelling bums to
sit in the offices of those with unpaid bills. The stinky
chemicals they wear on their bodies makes the air virtually
unbreathable in only a few minutes. They also advertise a
successful collection rate of around 90%.
A baby whale beached
during a storm near the Marineland Aquarium, in Mystic,
Connecticut, received both heart massage and
mouth-to-blowhole resuscitation by the aquarium staff, but
still died.
LET'S HOPE THEY NEVER
LOSE THOSE FISHING POLES AT GUNPOINT
In Kennesaw, Georgia,
north of Atlanta, a 1982 ordinance requires all able-bodied
residents to have a gun and ammunition. The city council of
the neighboring town, Acworth, Georgia, responded by passing
an ordinance requiring all households to own fishing poles.
During the first year of operation on
the 164-mile expressway between Beijing and Shijiazhuang, 404 people were killed
and 1,028 were injured in traffic accidents. Authorities blamed the high
fatality rate on a middle lane that allows cars to pass in both directions,
causing many head-on collisions.
Nine British police
officers in Coventry, England, squeezed into an elevator
made for eight, causing it to stall between floors. A
resident of the building, Eddie Laidle, heard their shouts
for help and hollered to them he would call police. To that
they shouted back, "We are the bloody police! Call the fire
brigade!!!"
Steve Blow's column in the Dallas
Morning News February 6, 2004, told his readers of a "ponzi scheme"
which, after collapsing, left 73,000 liters of cheap corn vodka and 7
million condoms in a Panama warehouse with no buyers.
The German Federal Prosecutors' office
received, on March 3rd, a letter, dated March 2nd, from the Red Army
terrorists group taking responsibility for the March 3rd assassination of
Agriculture Minister Ignaz Kiechle. On March 4th, that same office received
another letter, dated March 3rd, explaining the "hit" letter had been mailed
just before the assassination was called off. They had made a mistake.
Stockholm's Skansen Park Zoo was forced
to cut back on its number of bear cubs because of severe overcrowding. A
2-year-old cub named Molly was selected, pulled from her den, beaten to
death, then cleaned and cooked for the staff to eat. One employee declined
the meal, saying, "Molly was so nice, I couldn't take a bite."
Charles Rogers, 67, of Drapestown,
North Ireland, was watching his brother's grave being dug when the sides
began caving in. Reaching down to help the gravedigger, Rogers lost his
balance and fell to the bottom. The headstone immediately followed, crushing
him to death.
The 23 lawyers who formed Rodney King's
(He was the object of Los Angeles' riots on April 29, 1992) legal team
submitted a bill to the city of Los Angeles for $4.4 million, over half a
million more than Rodney King got himself, $3.8 million. "All I ask is a
day's wages for a day's work," said Steven A. Lerman, one of King's
attorneys.
At one time the Kuwait's Charity
Committee for the Marriage Project tried urging married men to take more
wives (Islamic law allows up to four). Hoping to lower the number of
spinster women in that country, the committee was willing to give each
multi-husband wedding gifts of: a loan (equivalent to $2,800); cheap
kitchenware; and free furniture.
When police in Edmonton, Alberta,
Canada, pulled over a motorist, he immediately jumped from his car and threw
his radar detector to the pavement. Then, while jumping up and down on it,
he raged, "I paid $500 for this damned detector and it doesn't work!" Police
then explained they had stopped him for not having a front license plate.
After admitting he "made a serious
judgment error," the administrator of Montana's Corrections Division
resigned. As a reward "for good behavior," he had taken three female
prisoners, one serving a life sentence for murder, to a Billings restaurant
for dinner.
I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE, UH....CHILI
OF AMERICA?
In Potter County, Texas, the national
flag of Chili flew over the courthouse a full day before Assistant District
Attorney Paul Hermann asked why. He was told the manufacturer had
accidentally sent the like-colored Chilean flag, and the flag-raiser didn't
notice the difference.
THEY SHOULD'VE SAID INSIDE A KNEE-DEEP
CITY SEWAGE TANK
More than 500 people mobbed the Ft.
Worth Texas Central Library, throwing books from the shelves, all because
local radio station KYNG-FM claimed they'd hidden $5 and $10 bills between
the pages of the books there. This assault of people knocked books from the
shelves, leaving many with ripped spines and torn pages. The station
apologized, saying they had only tried to give added inspiration to National
Library Month.
A Washington, D.C., man was indicted by
a federal grand jury on charges of committing five bank robberies. A common
link in three of the robberies were notes asking for the money, then ending
with the word "bullshirt."
When Yitzhak Krasiltchik left the
Soviet Union for migration to Israel and landed at Ben Gurion Airport in
Jerusalem, he became the 100,000th immigrant. The 87-year-old man and his
family were then whisked off the runway in a limousine to a "welcome party"
at the airport lounge. Later, after the party was over, and all the
dignitaries and well-wishers had left, the Krasiltchiks discovered they had
missed the bus to their new home in the Negev Desert. Then they realized
they were the only ones left at the airport, had no way to leave, and no
place to stay.
Fortune magazine reported, in
1988, some employees of Merrill Lynch's New York office had such poor
interoffice mail service they actually found it faster to send their
in-house mail via Federal Express.
Fortune reported, "Memos were whisked from floor to floor via Memphis,
Tennessee."
The California Supreme Court ruled
cancer patient John Moore was entitled to profit from his enlarged,
cancerous spleen, which had been removed by surgeons. After the operation,
doctors used the spleen to develop anticancer drugs, and Moore wanted part
of the profits, estimated to be around $3 billion. (The amount won was to be
determined.)
In Narooma, Australia, 16-year-old
Gregory Hammond, who was born with only one hand, finished second in a men's
100-meter swim race. That is until officials checked their international
rules book. They then declared he had not won any place in the race because
the rules firmly state participants must touch the ends of the pool with
both hands.
GOOD THING. IF HE'D CROSSED HIS EYES HE
MIGHT'VE GONE BLIND
Baseball player Jamie Allen, whose
professional career was riddled with injuries, was out of action again at
the Seattle Mariners' 2004 spring camp, after crossing his legs while
watching television, pulling a groin muscle.
Little League Inc. of Williamsport,
Pennsylvania, refused to sanction a league for disabled youngsters in
Boston, Massachusetts. It also threatened to revoke the charter of that
city's Little League unless they severed all ties with the teams that
carried players with Down's Syndrome and multiple sclerosis.
After New York state lawmakers proposed
making prison inmates pay state tax on all commissary purchases, officials
pointed out although it would generate $520,000 yearly, hiring clerks for
each of the state's 68 prisons would cost $1.5 million.
UNDERSTANDING, THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
EXPRESSION OF LOVE
Withholding names out of respect, Paul
Harvey on ABC Radio News, tells of an elderly man who went to collect his
newspaper in the rain, but fell to the ground, unable to rise back to his
feet. His aged wife, not able to get him back inside, wanted to call 911,
but he stopped her, saying "No, this is the place." Knowingly, his wife went
back inside, retrieved blankets to cover them both, then she lay down beside
him in the rain for two, three, maybe four days? She didn't know. Time for
her ceased to be. She only remembers holding him in her arms until he took
his last breath.
Dr. Oscar Dominguez, 45, a psychiatrist
in Sao Paulo, Brazil, admitted he shot his patient to death while she told
him about her sex life. He told the court, "I couldn't take those nut cases
anymore."
Walter Debow won a $3.4 million lawsuit
against the city of East Louis, Illinois, for a wrongful beating he received
in that city's jail. But since the city was bankrupt, instead of money he
received the title to the city's main municipal building and its 220 acre
industrial park.
Officials at the Hall Prison, outside
Stockholm, Sweden, reported the escape of a skinny inmate who saved up all
the margarine from his meals, until he had enough to cover himself and
squeeze through the bars.
Six Baltimore firefighters, defying a
forty-year tradition of washing fire trucks by hand, took Aerial Tower 122,
a forty-foot-long totally equipped, state-of-the-art fire engine through the
washing system used for city busses. The truck got stuck and the cleaning
brushes did $10,000 in damages, as it tore off hydraulic lines, knocked off
equipment and damaged the basket used to lift firefighters.
WAS HE TRYING TO ENSURE NO HITTING
BELOW THE BELT?
According to Reader's Digest,
when boxer Richard Proctor jumped into the ring at the World Sporting Club
in London and removed his robe, it caused a round of thunderous applause
from the fans. That's when Proctor realized he forgot to put on his boxing
trunks.
Denise and Jeffrey Lagrimas of Oroville, California, were arrested in their home while holding
a neighborhood watch meeting, after one neighbor spotted her stolen television set and realized Denise was wearing her stolen dress.
Police officers, giving a presentation at the meeting, obtained a search warrant and found $9,000 worth of stolen goods.
After Zambia received 2,800 cans of donated meat from Czechoslovakia, tests found it was
radioactive, so authorities buried the entire shipment twenty feet underground, then covered it with a concrete slab. Not to be
stopped, hungry Zambians used pick axes and any crude tools on hand to dig up the contaminated meat and eat it, every bit and gristle.
Scavenger Mubita Sililo, speaking on behalf of his family, said, "(This meat) is the best we have had since we married."
A 10-year-old Houston boy shot his father, Edward Simon, 45, dead and wounded his mother
Mary Simon, 47, with a .38-caliber revolver because they would not let him go outside and play.
ISN'T EVERYONE RETARDED/CRAZY WHO TAKES ANOTHER'S LIFE?
In July of 2004, The Dallas Morning News reported convicted murderer Robert Smith had
received a commuted sentence, removing him from death row, because he was deemed retarded. The News then added: "He
(Robert Smith) will be moved to another prison unit to serve a life sentence and a 33-years sentence for aggravated robbery. He will
be eligible for parole in about 10 years."
Christopher Plovie, on trial for Drug possession in Pontiac, Michigan, protested his body had
been searched without a warrant, making his arrest illegal. The prosecution claimed a bulge observed under his jacket could have been a
gun. To this remark, Mr. Plovie, who was wearing the same jacket in court, handed it to the judge for inspection, to prove the material
and cut would not allow a bulge to show. But while examining one of its pockets, the judge found a plastic baggy of cocaine.
Reader's Digest tells of Jacob Wise, 18, a shoplifter in Tulsa, Oklahoma, who removed
the security tags from several items of clothing, then tried to leave the store with them. That is, until the alarm system went off.
Trying to leave no evidence of his caper, Wise had hidden all the removed tags in his coat pocket.
While Public Television viewers in twelve cities watched doctors in Philadelphia reconstruct
fifteen-month-old Michele Miller's skull, during a delicate operation broadcast live, the girl's parents, Lynn and Paul Miller, of
Princeton, New Jersey, watched The Wizard of Oz on another channel.
In Bedford, Massachusetts, a 77-year-old wheelchair confined woman was charged with murdering
her husband. Before he died, the elderly man told police his wife had constantly beat him with her walking cane, as well as with other
objects, and refused to let him sleep. When he dozed off, he said, she would grab his genitals, then pull, squeeze and twist them until
he could no longer stand the pain. The autopsy noted his genitals were "swollen to the size of small balloons."
For his twenty years of service to the community of Lakeland, Florida, James Moran was given a
service pin and a certificate for a free dinner for two. Other workers in the past had spent between $34 and $60, but Moran and his
fiancée ran up a bill of $511. This made his supervisor so angry, he suspended Moran for two weeks and demoted him to a lower position,
which paid $11,000 a year less.
The government of China executed twelve male and six female factory managers by firing squad
at a refrigerator plant outside Beijing in 1989, because the poor quality of their products constituted "unpardonable crimes against the
people of China."
HE SHOULD'VE DRESSED LIKE A COW IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TRACKS
Soviet psychic E. Frenkel failed to stop a train with his powers. The train's engineer said
Frenkel jumped onto the tracks with his arms raised and his head lowered just before the fast moving train crushed him to death. Pieces
of a bloody note pad found on what was left of his body explained, "First I stopped a bicycle, cars and a streetcar. Now I'm going to
stop a train."
Kevin L. Jones was arrested in a Richmond, Virginia, police station when he came in to bail out
a friend. His surprised face, looking at his own wanted poster on the wall, caught the attention of a police officer who booked him.
Kourosh Bakhtiari, 21, attempted to escape from a New York City correctional center by braiding
together fifteen rolls of waxed dental floss to make a rope. Unfortunately, the 190 pound would-be-escapee forgot to wear gloves. The
friction cut tendons and ligaments in both his hands, leaving him, for a while, unable to even pick up a fork to feed himself.
Dr. Margaret T. Taylor, an Australian physician, found the lead poisoning of an eight-year-old
girl was caused by kissing her rosary beads, and now feels the cause of widespread anemia among nuns and devout Catholics is probably
caused by this source of lead.
In the 1980s, to get even with England for shutting down the Libyan embassy in London,
Col. Muammar Abu Minyar al-Qadhafi ordered England be deleted from all Libyan maps. To take its place a new arm of the North Sea was
added, bordered by Scotland and Wales.
ICE CREAM, CANDY, CASH, ALL AT ONE CONVENIENT LOCATION
After Los Angeles ice cream vendor Victorino A. Parades, 55, was beaten to death by several
youths, an estimated two dozen witnesses rushed forward to steal all his ice cream, candy and cash. (Just beneath society's thin veneer
of civility exists creatures no less or more than common cockroaches.)
BET THIS ATTORNEY STILL CRIED ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK
Prosecutors in the murder case of Cleophus Prince, Jr., 26, showed a videotape of the victim to
emphasize the tragedy of her death. Among the people in the courtroom overcome by emotion while watching the tape was Prince's attorney,
whose loud sobbing prompted the judge to call a recess. (The jury later sentenced Prince to be executed.)
In 1982 Lever Brothers Company began offering Sun Light dishwashing liquid with lemon juice
added. This caused some consumers to think it safe to add to iced tea and other beverages. According to Maryland's Poison Center,
this resulted in the poisonings of at least 80 people.
A black female student at the University of Pennsylvania was asked to leave a meeting of the
White Women Against Racism, because she was black. Director of the Women's Center, Elena DiLapi, said her group believes racism "is a
white problem, and we have a responsibility as white women to do what we can to eradicate it."
Health officials in Taiwan fined Hsiao Ming Hospital the equivalent of $12,200, and barred it
from accepting patients for two weeks, after one of its surgeons removed the appendixes of 11 children, all of whom only suffered minor
food poisoning.
A sexually exploitative video, featuring a 17-year-old boy, got a conviction against former
Colorado State Rep. David Bath. Back in 1991, while Bath was in office, he'd sponsored a bill against sexual exploitation of minors,
under which he himself was convicted.
When Alfred E. Acree was stopped by Charles City County, Virginia, sheriff's deputies, the
known drug dealer jumped from his car and began running through dense woods. But even on that moonless night he was soon captured,
wearing his L.A. Gear battery-operated sneakers, which flashed light each time one of his heels made contact with the ground.
Increasing numbers of teen pregnancies in York County, Pennsylvania, caused local leaders to
try and teach abstinence through self control, by declaring Monday, March 22, 1993, "The Great sex-Out Day." One teen interviewed said,
Monday without sex wouldn't be too difficult but if it were Friday, that would create a conflict.
To demonstrate the dangers of fireworks as July 4th grew near, firemen and police gathered at a
bomb disposal range near San Diego to explode thousands of illegal fireworks for the news media. Sparks from the explosions set fire to
dead grass, which burned 10-acres of brush, that took 50 firefighters, two water-dropping helicopters and a bulldozer to put out.
In 1992, the Illinois Supreme Court reinstated a $1.5 million verdict against the Chicago
Transit Authority, over the death of Korean immigrant Sang Yeul Lee. Mr. Lee had been electrocuted back in 1977 when he urinated on the
center rail of a CTA train track.
THOU SHALT NOT RUN OVER THY BROTHER'S KEEPER, OR HIM
Two new sins were added by Pope John Paul II in 1989: bad driving and speeding. The Pope told
Italian auto club members who attended his weekly audience, reckless drivers will have to answer to God. (Perhaps he could swap
covetousness and adultery for reckless driving and speeding, to keep the commandments at ten?)
With dairy cattle dropping 15,000 tons of dung monthly on Delhi streets and walkways,
overloading the city's sewer system, the Indian government demanded farmers remove all their cattle from the city. But farmers became
outraged when they learned their same government was considering importing dung from the Netherlands to promote organic farming.
Officials in Cap d'Agde, location of France's largest nudist colony, posted signs warning:
NUDITY OBLIGATORY, and hired police to make sure everybody got naked before entering. Mayor Gerard Paillou called the invasion of
clothed vacationers, "intolerable."
A fight broke out, on campus of the University of Ohio, when a group of black male students
confronted a group of white students, who were on their way to a Halloween party. The white sheets the party goers wore caused them to
look like members of the Ku Klux Klan to the blacks, but in reality their costumes were designed to look like the pope and his entourage.
WHO HAS THE POWER TO REMOVE A SENILE SUPREME COURT JUSTICE?
In 1995, U.S. Supreme Court Chief
Justice William Rehnquist, for the first time of any judge in Supreme Court
history, altered the sleeves of his judicial robe by adding four stripes on
each sleeve, after watching Gilbert and Sullivan's comic opera
Iolanthe.
(Which, among other things, makes fun of British courts.)
"WHILE YOU GET UNDRESSED I'LL RUN THIS BY MY ATTORNEY"
Oklahoma State Rep. Cleta Deatherage introduced a bill requiring all men to obtain advanced
written permission from any women before having sexual contact with them. This included warning the women they could become pregnant,
and childbirth could be hazardous to their health. If the female could not read the contract, the contract must be verbally explained
in her native language. (The bill was defeated.)
Chicago missionary Michele Schwartz, 41, was arrested for the murder of her husband, the
Reverend Charles Jones. The killing occurred during an argument over housework and who had saved the most souls. When police arrived
they found Jones dead and Schwartz reading her Bible.
READ THIS ONE 10 TIMES AND IT STILL MAKES NO SENSE
After a couple in Leigh, England, had been foster parents to 47 children, they were told they
could not adopt one for their own because the home was too normal. Social services officials explained to Harry and Ester Hough that a
child growing up in the blissful environment of their home would receive insufficient exposure to negative experiences.
George Goldsborough, a prominent attorney in Easton, Maryland, was accused of spanking an
employee and numerous clients in his office. An ex-law partner said he found a copy of Spanking and the Single Girl in the office
and, long before, locals had begun calling that law firm Spanky and the Gang.
While death row inmate James David Autry awaited execution in Huntsville, Texas, in 1954, $280
of commissary privileges were collected from other prisoners, creating a "Texas Lotto," which would be paid to the prisoner who guessed
closest to Mr. Autry's actual execution time. Had Autry have won a reprieve, he would have won the lotto as well.
OSHA director of health standards, R. Leonard Vance, told a committee of Congress in 1986 he
could not turn over log books, which might have proven improper meetings with industry representatives, because his dog had vomited all
over them.
After a new video game named "Arm Champ II" was developed and put into operation in game
parlors throughout Hong Kong, five young men broke their arms trying to out-wrestle it. Although the machine cautioned "Play at your
own risk," it was written in English, while most players were young Cantonese.
After many complaints from citizens of Princeton, West Virginia, that the city's water tasted
foul, an official was sent to crawl up the side of one water tower to investigate. And, looking down inside, he found the problem all
right. Floating on the surface of the water was a decomposing human corpse.
Terry Allen, 34, was arrested and charged with attempted burglary in San Antonio, Texas, while
taking the bars off a beauty shop window. He argued with police he should only be charged with attempted theft because he lived in a
high crime area, and was stealing the bars to put on his own windows to keep burglars out.
In 1993, the prestigious Manchester (England) Academy of Fine Arts awarded the painting
Rhythm of the Trees its top award. The judges said it won over the almost 1,000 other entries with its "certain quality of colour
balance, composition and technical skills." The painter, Carley Johnson, was only four-years-old. His mother had entered his "mess"
in the contest simply as a joke.
San Francisco 49ers fan Les Boatwright died of a heart attack while holding two tickets to
1989's Super Bowl XXIII. But his two sons went to Miami's Joe Robbie Stadium for the big game, along with their father, his ashes
carried inside a cremation urn.
At auction on E-bay in April 2004, the highest bidder paid $3,200 for a plain, white aspirin
because it was carried in a small tin container inside astronaut Michael Collins' space suit while he orbited the Moon.
WHAT IF THE LAST SUPPER HAD BEEN A COVERED DISH AFFAIR?
The St. Aldate Church in Gloucester, England, became so strapped for cash, the Reverend Derek
Sawyer asked his congregation to put more money in the collection plates. Several weeks later, still falling short of paying church
bills, the Reverend announced to the faithful they would have to begin bringing their own communion wine and bread to lower costs.
In the spring of 2004, Dallas Morning News columnist Larry Powell, writing about the
anniversary of a Southern California UFO cult, relayed the following: "In 1974, Ruth Norman, 75, high priestess of the Universal Articulate
Interdimensional Understanding of Science Foundation (UNARIUS), prepared her 65-acre mountain-top property near San Diego for a summer
convention of leaders from 32 other planets." (Wonder if she planned to cook all their favorite dishes?)
WHAT GOD OF LOVE WOULD DEMAND FILICIDE? NONE! ONLY MAN
The Associated Press reported from Ankara, Turkey, a 14-year-old girl was first kidnapped, then
raped and returned home to her family in disgrace. So her father, Mehmet Halitogullari, legally wrapped a wire around the neck of his
already battered child, and choked her to death. (Much the attitude and atmosphere which begins the lives of many al Qaeda members.)
Cadet Robert Langenbech was suspended without pay for three days from the Somerville,
New Jersey, Sheriff's Department for using a dummy stuffed uniform to stand guard in his place at the Somerset County courthouse,
while he took naps.
A statue of Ronald McDonald was stolen from outside a fast-food restaurant in Canonsbury,
Pennsylvania. A ransom note was found near the drive-in window demanding 150 hamburgers, 150 milkshakes and one diet coke to go.
A county supervisor in San Diego, California, tried to have his colleagues rename the
Africanized honeybee because he said the name had racial overtones.
HAVING ANTS IN YOUR PANTS HERE COULD BE VERY PROFITABLE
Illegal drugs come in many forms. In the United Arab Emirates, Dubai police report catching a number of youths
getting "high" smoking dead ants, or sniffing the fumes ants release when crushed. In the capital city of Abu Dhabi a small packet of
"samaseem"- Gulf Arabic for ants- sell for upwards of $135.
Returning from a bachelorette party on a chartered bus, Tammara Joe Klemkowski, 32, of Waldorf, Maryland, tried
dropping her pants to "moon" passing cars through the emergency window. But she kept ramming her naked backside against the glass until
it gave way, leaving her "butt" on the road, then in the hospital.
SHE COULD USE PROFITS TO INVEST IN LONG TERM JUNK BONDS
Preparing for her death, Altona Brown, 90-years-old and blind, paid $2,946 for an oak coffin to be used at her
American Indian burial ceremony. That is until the U.S. government decided her unique container was in reality an investment, one which
might increase in value. That's when she was told to either sell the coffin or risk having her Social Security income and Medicare
reduced, or perhaps even stopped.
British customs officials at London's Heathrow Airport became suspicious of Robert Ventham, 22, who had just
returned on a flight from Gibraltar, causing them to search his belongings. Sure enough, inside his golf bag they found drugs and he
was arrested. But why were authorities suspicious of a young man returning from a golfing vacation? Gibraltar has no golf courses.
Hoping to impress their teenaged dates, Jessie N. Kase, 20, and James J. Kalk, 23, drove their underaged female
companions onto restricted grounds outside Ohio Pickaway Correctional Institute, where both men had spent several years of their lives.
After police stopped the stolen car and determined the two girls were runaways, all four were "invited" inside the facility.
During a debate to eliminate state-funded abortions for poor women by the North Carolina State Appropriations
Committee in 1995, 71-year-old Republican Henry Aldridge explained, "The facts show people who are raped, who are truly raped, the
juices don't flow, the body's functions don't work, and they don't get pregnant." Aldridge's reason for taking the floor had been to
apologize for an earlier comment that rape and incest victims were sexually promiscuous.
Melanie Stevens, 29, a nurse in Los Angeles, was on her way to see a patient when she noticed a cello lying on the
sidewalk near a trash bin. Taking it home, she asked her cabinetmaker boyfriend to convert it into a CD holder. Good thing he was still
busy on another job. A few days later Ms. Stevens read a 320-year-old, $3.5 million Stradivarius cello had been stolen about a mile from
where she had found it.
HER FINGERS DID HER WALKING ALL THE WAY TO THE CEMETERY
Frank Xu of San Antonio, Texas, was given only 9-years in prison for strangling his wife, Melissa Wang. He had
killed her during a rage over a $460 phone bill, a bill created by calling her relatives in China. He got his lenient sentence after
his confession was thrown out.
BEING MISERABLE WAS NOT THE FUN HE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE
Pleading guilty in a Pietermaritzburg, South Africa, court to shoplifting, Michael Dladla, 22, told the judge he
would like to be sentenced to life so he could write a book like Nelson Mandela about being in jail. However, after several days in
jail, Dladla told the judge he had changed his mind. He was released with a warning.
THESE DIGNITARIES WERE DEFINITELY NOT JEWISH OR MOSLEM
When a library in San Jose, California, was dedicated to the civil rights leader Martin Luther King, Jr., a large
30-foot high banner, with messages in 27 languages, was raised before the entrance of the building to signify unity. However, one of the
brightly colored greetings, which should have read "WELCOME" in Tagalog (main language of the Philippines), embarrassed the attending
dignitaries from that country by spelling out "CIRCUMCISION."
Ronald Goolnick, 47, could only be charged with attempted robbery by police in La Crosse, Wisconsin, because in
his haste to leave the bank, he forgot and left "his" money on the counter.
Kelly Kyle, 17, was standing in her parents' living room in a heavily wooded area of Pennsylvania, when suddenly
a deer crashed through a large picture window, followed by four other deer, which all together "trashed" the main part of the house.
While his home was being destroyed, Kelly's father was away on a deer hunting trip.
Phil Klusman, a sportswriter for the Bakersfield Californian, was killed during the 1986 track and field
championship in Los Angeles when an athlete threw a 16-pound Olympic style hammer directly on top of his head. Klusman had attempted to
protect his skull by quickly holding his clipboard over his head.
Brink's guard Hrand Arakilian, 34, was crushed to death while riding in the back of an armored car in Laguna
Hills, California. It happened suddenly as that vehicle lurched forward at a traffic light. That's when a rack containing $13,000 in
quarters, weighing 832 pounds, fell back, crushing the guard to death.
Forbidden to possess dental floss while serving his time in an Oregon prison, a 31-year-old prisoner sued that
state insisting the stress of being unable to fight tooth decay was making his stay at the penal institution less than rehabilitating.
Charles Kyser lost $3,275 when a thief stole two thermos bottles sitting on the seat of his pickup truck in Omaha,
Nebraska. Kyser, the owner of a cattle breeding business in Ainsworth, told police that both thermoses were filled with fresh bull
sperm. (Bet that "cows' cream" in the crooks coffee caused calamity.)
Rep. Fred Williams introduced a bill to the Missouri lawmaking body to make it illegal, with fines up to $200,
for blowing one's nose in public restaurants, if done so in a "loud, obnoxious, or offensive manner."
Terence Hadenham, 44, was convicted in Portsmouth, England, of gross indecency and indecent assault on a
six-year-old girl. Banging his gavel, Judge John Whitley sentenced the guilty defendant to a fine of $75 and three-years probation,
adding his feelings that Mr. Hadenham's stunted growth and hearing impairment made it difficult for him to form a relationship with
women. He (the Judge) did not wish to punish the handicapped man any more than he had already been punished.
A bus in St. Louis carrying five passengers was rear-ended in traffic. In the short time it took police to arrive,
the bus that had originally contained five, now contained an additional fourteen, all complaining of whiplash.
The Kenya News Agency reports on a dirt-poor farmer from near Isiolo in northern Kenya who dug up his life savings
of 2000 shillings (About $150) from a field to pay the dowry to marry, but discovered all his bank notes had been eaten by ants, meaning
there could be no wedding.
The IRS refused to let exotic dancer Cynthia S. Hess, known professionally as "Chest Love," deduct the $2,088 she
spent on cosmetic surgery to enlarge her breasts to 56FF. But U.S. Court Judge Joan Seitz Pate ruled it helped to increase her taxable
income, therefore, it should be allowed.
Gaston Lyle Senac, 20, of Tracy, California, accidentally blew out his own brains while showing friends exactly
how rock star Kurt Cobain committed suicide.
In 1991, a few days before the New Year's holiday season celebrations were to begin in China, the Communist Party
from Beijing warned all citizens against excessive spending and celebrating, reminding them, any more than "a cup of tea" at year-end
parties could subject them to stiff fines.
In 1993, Randy Kraft filed a $60 million lawsuit against author Dennis McDougal and his publisher Warner Books,
arguing their book Angel of Darkness defamed his name. Mr. Kraft filed his lawsuit from death row while awaiting execution for
the sexual torture-murders of sixteen men.
The Seminole Health Club near Miami has a Christian ministry meeting twice weekly, in the nude. Religious leader
Elijah Jackson says, "Nudity adds something to Christianity." (And the byproduct causes the birth of our next generation.)
TURKEY? HE'LL BE EATING NOTHING BUT CROW FOR A WHILE
George Hiser, a conservation agent for Ray County, Missouri, took his wife Marcia turkey hunting. In the woods,
not only did she drop one bird 40-yards away, but also killed a second turkey 15-yards behind the first, both with the same shot. Of
course George, having the authority of a game warden, had to write her a ticket for doubling the maximum kill under law, one bird a week.
When the U.S. Postal Service needed an expert witness list at a Dayton, Ohio, court the next day, the request was
sent using its own Overnight Express mail. But instead of being sent to Dayton, this mail was sent to Washington, D.C.. It finally
arrived at its intended destination 10 days later.
THIS COULD SAVE A LITTLE WEAR-AND-TEAR ON THE KNEES
Announcing his dislike for the Supreme Court's strict separation of church and state, Rev. Edward Mullen of
St. Edwards Catholic Church in Providence, Rhode Island, informed his congregation he would no longer allow parishioners to pray for
government officials in "his" church.
Dr. Glenn D. Warden was scheduled to become president of a national surgeons' association, when officials at the
Shrine Burn Institute in Cincinnati exposed his "comical" side, which they observed while he was a resident there. In one case, they
reported, the good Doctor scratched his initials into the skull of a dying infant. Also reported, he drew "happy faces", using felt
markers, on the genital areas of two patients. Dr. Warden explained he was only trying to ease the tension over surgery.
Lilja Virtanen, 28, of Jyvreshylae in central Finland, received that country's medal of merit for delivering her
extra breast milk to a hospital, where it saved the lives of 20 premature babies. Mrs. Virtanen continued breast feeding her
two-year-old son, while selling her milk to the hospital for $5.00 per liter. In nine months she produced around 300 liters (79 gallons).
Dr. Greg Lewbart of North Carolina State University is one of only a few veterinarians in the U.S. who treat pet
fish. He charges about $100 for an office visit, including ex-rays. Surgery generally runs about $250. Dr. Lewbart said business was
good.
Refugio Tarin, thirty-three, was driving along in his pick up truck when he decided to reach over his buddy
(Manuel Carrasco, fifty-four) sitting next to him, to shoot his other passenger, Jesus Carrasco, thirty-six, just as Jesus leaned
forward to shoot Refugio, with both dying almost instantly. Presidio, Texas, Sheriff Rick Thompson said, "It was just the three of
them in that pickup and they started arguing. The poor guy in the middle didn't have anyplace to go." (Except to change his "undies"
afterwards.)
Police in Brightwood, Ohio, were called to a home by a man fearing his neighbor had died. He explained each time
he knocked on his friend's door he could look through the window and see him sitting on the couch as still as death. When police
summoned the "dead" man to the door, he explained, "I have a cold six-pack of beer in my refrigerator, and he knows it."
The Associated Press lists 5 excuses written by parents for kids to give their schools:
(1) "Please forgive Fred for missing school yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well."
(2) "Please forgive my son for being. It was his father's fault."
(3) "Please excuse Mary from P.E. yesterday. She was administrating."
(4) "My son is under doctor's care and should not P.E. today. Please execute him."
(5) "Please excuse my daughter for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps."
HE COULD MAKE A LIVING RENTING HIMSELF TO CIRCUSES AND ZOOS
The luxury car maker Rolls Royce fired a young punk rocker at their Bristol, England, plant because the four-inch
spikes on his hairdo endangered the eyes of coworkers. Punker Peter Mortiboy's usual daily dress included 18 earrings, a studded dog
collar, steel armlets, and a stud through his nose.
Frederick the elephant, after many years of pestering by seven aggressive she-elephants, died of a heart attack,
brought on by stress, near Jutland, Denmark. Leif Nielsen, director of Givskud Lion Park explained, "He gave up hope of a decent life
after many sufferings at the "hands" of his wives." Every time Frederick turned his amorous attention to one female, all the others
would mob him out of jealousy, Nelson added.
In war-torn Sarajevo in May 1993, fashion designers and the Bosnian army organized a "Miss Besieged Sarajevo"
beauty contest, hoping to raise morale amid all the death and suffering. During the contest, several of the young female beauty
contestants wore banners written in English with statements such as, "Don't Let Them Kill Us." The 17-year-old beauty winner told
reporters, "Plans? I have no plans. I may be dead tomorrow."
DO THEY WORK THROUGH LUNCH, EATING SANDWICHES, PERHAPS?
The Associated Press reported from Porthill, Idaho, that Dennis and Pam Ponsness are proud owners of a
maggot farm, where they allow tons and tons of dead fish to rot in the sun, in order to attract hordes of flies, in order to harvest
millions and millions and millions of maggots to produce commercial fishing baits.
Hoping to purge himself of Satan, Franco Brun of Toronto, Canada, tried eating his entire 874-page pocket Bible.
After gagging himself to death, an autopsy revealed he'd died from the New Testament, which was still stuck in his throat.
"Here I am!" shouted lawyer N. Graves Thomas, 40, while standing up in his boat in the middle of Lake Bistineau
outside Bossier City. Louisiana. That was also the exact moment a bolt of lightening from a brewing storm would end his life. At the
time of his death, Thomas had been representing Ronald Richie in a Bossier Parish court case. Richie was accused of reckless boating in
the deaths of three people on that same lake.
WHAT HAPPENED TO "PRAISE THE LORD, I SAW THE LIGHT!"?
Myra Obasi of Shreveport, Louisiana, was driven 225 miles to Parkland Memorial Hospital in Dallas, Texas, by her
two sisters because she had been blinded in both eyes. Police later arrested both sisters for gouging out Myra's eyes because they
thought she was possessed with their father's cruel ghost. Detectives had to wait several hours to interview the blinded Myra, until she
stopped chanting, "Thank you, Jesus!....Thank you, Jesus!....Thank you, Jesus!"
Thirty years ago (1979), Dr. Paul Wexler, a chief of obstetrics in Denver, began warning that generous donations
of sperm from eager donors would proliferate in the general population, until accidental incest became common; so common, society would
suffer widespread genetic disorders.
A Hong Kong court heard Cheung Yun-fuk, 33, explain he had been unable to control his right thumb since childhood,
and that was the only reason he had pinched a woman's bottom helping her from a cab.
Police broke up a hammer and tire-tool fight between two large, large breasted women at a Mesquite, Texas, truck
stop. The two women truck drivers had begun their argument over CB radios as to who had the largest breasts, so they decided to meet and
compare sizes, but ended up losing their tempers.
When an 8-year-old girl in Huntington, West Virginia, opened her box of Cracker Jack looking a prize of a nifty
whistle or plastic ring, she found instead, a small book complete with very graphic pictures, titled: Exotic Sexual Positions From
Around the World. Betty Garrett, spokeswoman for Borden Inc., makers of Cracker Jack, said five other altered boxes were found.
DRIVING ALONG, MINDING HER OWN BUSINESS, SHE GOT INTO A JAM
When the windshield of Kitty Wolf's car was shattered by a falling case of 1.5-oz. jars of Dickinson's Fancy Sweet
Marmalade, it took the FAA to conclude that case of jam had been left on the wing of a Regent Air plane, just before it departed from
Newark International Airport.
HAD THEY BEEN IN HIS POCKET WOULD HE STILL BE ALIVE?
After Donald McGarity was hit and killed instantly by a hit and run driver near Sacramento, California, a coroner
found his spinal column had been severed, virtually locking his body in an exact frozen position at the moment of his death. The dead
man's middle fingers on both hands were extended, while all his other fingers were folded.
INSTEAD OF MATERNITY FROCKS SHE NEEDED A STRAIGHT JACKET
During her 38th week of pregnancy, Doris Kennedy, a London housewife, became so depressed over delays in the
construction of her baby-to-be's bathroom, she hanged herself to death.
When Julius McNeil, 28, arrived early at a Jackson, Mississippi, church for his brother's baptism, he went inside
to wait, fell into the baptismal tank and drowned. (Praise Bob!)
During President Reagan's 1985 swearing in, Robert Latta, a Denver, Colorado, water meter reader on vacation,
followed 33 members of the U.S. Marine Orchestra into the White House. He wandered around the Executive Mansion for about 15 minutes
and was eventually discovered and arrested for unlawful entry. Several months after his arrest, Latta returned for a sentencing hearing,
but instead went to the Senate Gallery, where he asked to speak on the floor of the Senate.
During a struggle to arrest Lugene Kendricks on robbery charges, two policemen in Lynn, Massachusetts, feared they
would be attacked by the suspect's pit bull terrier. Instead, while his dog looked on, Mr. Kendrick bit patrolman William Althen on the
arm, just before chewing on patrolman Edward Kiley's hand.
MUST THE SHEEP BELIEVE ALL THE SHEPHERDS SAY TO DO?
In 1993, an Israeli phone company installed a fax machine at the Wailing Wall for believers to contact God. Same
year, the Roman Catholic Church introduced a high-tech confessional that accepted confessions by fax. Also in that same year, a sect of
Orthodox Jews in Brooklyn, New York, began selling special beepers so believers could instantly hear the Messiah's arrival on earth.
A $10.4 million lawsuit was filed against the Rockwood, Tennessee, Police Department for the arrest of James
"Bubba" Wilson. The suit stated officers walked upon Mr. Wilson's mother's front porch and asked him if his name was Bubba? When he
said "yes," they arrested him, and he was not released from jail until authorities determined they had the wrong Bubba. ("Bubba" is
the most common male name in Rockwood.)
The United Nations Human Rights Commission was asked by three aborigines to stop the Amax Minerals Company from
digging on land sacred to their tribe's lizard god, Goanna. They feared the deity might tell their favorite food, the 6-foot monitor
lizard, not to breed.
Yum, Yum! Here is the recipe for making Scotland's national dish, Haggis: Take raw minced sheep heart, lung
and liver, mix with oatmeal, onions and black powder. Stuff these ingredients into a sheep's stomach and boil until the whole thing
turns dishwater gray. This meaty plate is then served with turnips. (And, hopefully, a strong brew.)
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS WAS DEFINITELY NO HUMANITARIAN
When Christopher Columbus landed on Hispaniola, now named Haiti/Dominican Republic, he met the local Arawak
natives and wrote in his log, "They would make fine servants." His first "law" was all inhabitants of the island over 14-years-of-age
would be required to give him a set amount of gold each three months, or both their hands would be chopped off. He shipped many (who
still had hands) back to Spain, where they were sold as slaves in Seville. (Columbus Day? Why?)
WAS THIS POLICEMAN SUFFERING DONUT WITHDRAWAL...OR WHAT?
New York City resident Jose Rodriquez, 69, was waiting in the passenger seat of an automobile idling on a busy
street in Manhattan, when a traffic officer demanded he move the car. Even though Mr. Rodriquez pleaded he did not know how to drive,
the irate officer demanded he move the vehicle anyway. Following the policeman's orders, non-driving Mr. Rodriquez drove through a
crosswalk, mowing down nine pedestrians in the process.
Jorge Delgado, 23, better known as "Dog Man" in Punta Arenas, Chile, was arrested for sinking his teeth. Sinking
his teeth into what? Sinking his teeth into a large number of buttocks belonging to young ladies of the community.
Filbert G. Maestas told a Denver, Colorado, court his constitutional rights were violated when the policeman who
arrested him laughed because of what he had stolen; several boxes of frozen rennets (cow rectums).
Back in 1993, State Legislatures Magazine reported Kansas lawmakers tightened workers compensation in that
state, after one of the workers compensation agency's own doctors filed a claim, saying his severe back pains were caused by sitting on
too many cramped witness stands. (Heh, heh, that's almost funny!)
After Charles VIII, 1470–98, King of France (1483–98), took the throne, he became so obsessed with the idea of
being poisoned, he seldom ate, and eventually starved to death at age 28.
Police in Baltimore, Maryland, noticed Thomas Waddell because his large pants were making motions in many
directions, all at once. Before they could look down his pants, however, a pigeon flew through the waist band to freedom. This caused
Waddell to be strip searched, which turned up 26 more birds, 5 already dead.
Mrs. Carol Alexander was given life in prison by a Vernon County, Wisconsin, judge. She'd paid off her $65,000
bingo debts with money from her husband's life insurance policy, after she stabbed him to death.
A very rare disease (Kuru), with a mortality rate of 100% , has been observed only in the South Fore Tribe of
eastern New Guinea. Researchers think the condition, much like Mad Cow disease, is probably caused by that tribe eating the brains of
their enemies. These sufferers suffocate while laughing themselves to death.
Just as Edward Brisson, of Burlington, Vermont, got properly seated on his toilet, and began to enjoy a magazine,
truck driver Lawrence Pecor, 64, of Essex, lost control of his truck on the road just outside. The vehicle broke through the wall, into
the house, where it dumped 14 tons of sand, leaving Brisson still on his toilet, his pants down around his ankles, with sand up to his
shoulders.
During Brazil's 1994 Country Carnival, President Itamar Franco, 63, waved from a float pulled several miles down a
parade route, to the cheers of roaring crowds. Standing on the float with President Itamar, was his "fiancee," 27-year-old Lilian Ramos.
Wearing a pink miniskirt, she enjoyed raising her arms to wave at the crowds, sharing with thousands the fact she was wearing no
underpants.
Many commercial ranches, which supply our nation with beef, increase their profit margins by filling cattle with a
urea-carbohydrate mix containing ground newspaper, feathers, chips of wood and molasses; molasses because it is the only way a cow can
be persuaded to eat this mess their bodies are not designed to accept.
HOW CRUEL! SHE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE CABLE TV BACK THEN
In the early 1600s, Countess Elizabeth Bathory of Hungary was caught after murdering an estimated 600 local young
girls over the years, believing bathing in their blood would keep her young forever. But, since her death sentence was to be walled-up
alive inside her own castle, no one was able to observe how well she aged, while she slowly starved to death.
WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO DINOSAURS, DODO BIRDS AND PARENTING?
Donna Goldberg opened a business in New York City, in 1992, called Organized Student. To teach children and
teenagers how to clean their rooms, she charged from $85 to $125 per hour. A ninth-grade client quoted in The New York Times said,
"I try to keep going by myself, but I can't do it." (He might have also needed a priority adjustment applied directly to his Butt?)
The Dallas Morning News reported July 10, 2004, that Dallas County Criminal Judge Dan Wade was mad at
Dallas County Prosecutor Richard Jackson because defense attorney Mark Deuber tattled that prosecutor Jackson had made some unflattering
remarks about "His Honor." (Perhaps this judge should've had a private "pity party" before court?)
Back in the early 1980s, the Dallas Cowboys had a soccer-style kicker named Rafael Septien. Once he blamed a
missed easy field goal on "the grass was too tall," while standing on artificial turf. Another time, missing a 3-point attempt, he
explained, "My helmet was too tight and squeezed my brain. I couldn't think." (Wonder what his excuse was in 1987, when Septien was
convicted of fondling his 10-year-old niece?)
When Portuguese sailors first landed on Mauritius in 1507, they found the dodo bird (raphus cucullatus), a
bulky, very unintelligent, flightless bird, which had no natural enemies on the island. Feral dogs, pigs and monkeys introduced to the
island killed the birds and ravaged their nests. By the late 1600s, the last dodo bird ever seen on earth had been destroyed.
Just before the elections of six different U.S. Presidents, between 1972 and 1992, Polly, a Plainview, Minnesota,
cow picked each winner correctly. During the final days before the '92 election, as usual, Polly the Prognosticating bovine was removed
from her pen, while ten pictures each of the presidential candidates, Clinton, Bush and Perot were placed on the straw covered floor
like tiles, edge-to-edge. First thing Polly did when she returned was take a big "splat" on the poster face of Bill Clinton.
The health board in South Dennis, Massachusetts, closed down the Wing Wah Chinese restaurant because of a long
list of health violations. One easy to see violation occurred behind the restaurant each morning. That's where the cook prepared that
day's slaw by placing a dozen or so heads of cabbage in a large laundry bag, then put the bag between two 4x8 feet sheets of plywood,
before driving the restaurants old delivery van back-and-forth over the sandwiched cabbage.
AND YOU THOUGHT BUSH/GORE 2000 FLORIDA VOTE COUNT SUCKED
For weeks, even months, before the 1968 national elections in Poland, 21.5 million eligible voters were bombarded
with loudspeakers playing recorded political promises, while thousands of large and colorful posters showing candidates belonging only
to the National Unity Front party blanketed walls and windows throughout the nation. Voters were instructed to simply pick up their
ballots at one of 17,500 voting stations, then deposit them in provided ballot boxes. There was no need for anyone to mark their ballot
because no one was allowed to run against the candidates.
The National Organization of Circumcision Information Recourse Center designated 1987 the "Year of the Intact
Child" believing, without a clear medical reason, arbitrary removal of the male infant foreskin is considered barbaric and linked to
religious ignorance. Adding, if males were not already circumcised when they became adults, virtually no male would ever be circumcised
except for medical reasons, no matter what the religion.
Tamika Johnson, 19, was given a citation for jaywalking across a street in Pomona, California, just after 2 P.M.
on May 23, 1994. A few minutes later, after the policeman who wrote her the ticket had left, Johnson again crossed the street. Only this
time she was run over by a car, leaving her with two broken legs.
In 1992, the Austin American-Statesman printed a story on John Stapp, a Travis County sewage treatment
plant supervisor. His main job was to put on a diving suit and do repairs on the bottom of 16 x 40 feet sewage storage vats, while they
still contained 60,000 gallons of raw sewage. At the end of his day, Stapp said food was the thing on his mind: "I'm usually starved
when I get through."
THIS KID MAKES DENNIS THE MENACE LOOK LIKE A NEOPHYTE
After Mikey Sproul, age 3, made national news in 1993 near Tampa, Florida, by "driving" his family's car up U.S.
41, hitting two cars, he exclaimed, "I went zoom!" Then, a few weeks later, Mikey took a cigarette lighter and burned down his family's
home, sending his father to the hospital with second and third degree burns. When interviewed, Mikey shrugged his shoulders and summed
it up nicely, "Now I have no house." In April 1996, Mikey (now age 6) burned his mother's current house in Tampa, resulting in $45,000
in damages. This time he had no statement for the press.
The SkyDome Hotel, built inside of Toronto's stadium, has 70 rooms which directly overlook the field. Hotel
manager Ray Thompson says guests are now warned to be careful what they do in their rooms with the drapes open. During a game between
the Jays and the Mariners, a couple making love in their room's window drew a larger audience than the game.
TAXIDERMIED AFTER DEATH, SHE'D MAKE A GREAT SCARECROW
Mother as a Coffee Table
In 1992, Advertising Age's creative magazine reported Minneapolis photo-artist Judy Olausen had completed
nine photos of her seventy-year-old mother. One pose showed her mother down on all-fours with a plate of glass on her back. Its label,
"Mother as Coffee Table." In another, Olausen's mother is lying next to a highway. This one is labeled, "Mother as Road Kill."
A sexual abuse lawsuit made public in Albuquerque, New Mexico, stated Catholic priest Robert Kirsch had sexual
intercourse with one of his female parishioners. While Father Kirsch admitted to having sex with the woman, he stated his vows were not
violated. The nude contact with her was merely a "reserved embrace," which he said was sexual intercourse with "no passion, no kissing,
no seminal emission." Therefore, he went on to explain, it was proper conduct under Catholic theology.
During an anti-drug conference in 1992 in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysian deputy minister Megat Junid Ayob said shortages
of both heroin and cannabis had caused addicts to stoop to sniffing cow dung.
LIKE, IF YOU HIT A GUY ON A MOTORCYCLE INSTEAD OF IN A CAR
Convicted police killer Merrill Chamberlain sued the Albuquerque Police Department for not training its officers
properly. According to him, had the officer he killed pointblank been wearing a bulletproof vest, he would not have died. Therefore,
Chamberlain's claim stated, he should only be serving a term for attempted murder.
If you've like to cast the final blow in a bad relationship, send your ex-love a nice bouquet of stinking corpse
lilies (Rafflesia arnoldii). In addition to the repulsive name and awful odor, an average bloom weighs about 15 pounds.
PERHAPS THEY MOPPED THE WINE SECTION WITH THEIR TONGUES?
Inside a Safeway grocery in Oxon Hill, Maryland, just after 10:00 AM on Christmas Day 1993, customers ready to
check out found no cashiers on duty. In fact, looking around, the shoppers found absolutely zero employees working that Christmas Day.
Police were called and soon determined employees working the night before, on Christmas Eve, had forgotten to turn off the lights and
lock the doors.
Pablo Diego José Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno María de los Remedios Cipriano de la Santísima Trinidad
Clito Ruiz y Picasso (1881-1973), we know as Pablo Picasso or just simply Picasso.
January 1994, in California, chickens were laying eggs as usual at the largest producer of chicken eggs in the
U.S., when a 6.6 earthquake, with an epicenter only 5 miles away occurred. Damage at the farm included: breaking a water line, knocking
over stacks of egg pallets........yet, only one egg was broken.
The Winter Palace and adjacent Hermitage in Leningrad, in the former U.S.S.R., has 322 sections and three million
works of art. It is the world's largest art gallery, and covers a total walking distance of 15 miles.
From the Los Angeles Times, the Nova Cafe in Santa Monica, California, sells (or sold) Kopi Luwak, the
world's most expensive coffee, costing about $130 a pound. The owner of the cafe explained to the reporter that each and every coffee
bean had been passed through an animal, the luak, a species of civet cat endemic to Java. It eats the ripest coffee cherries for the
sugar, digests them and then excretes the undigested coffee beans. From there, natives collect the beans from piles of defecation
(looking much like brown, nut laden candy bars). Then, washed and processed, the beans are ready to be enjoyed by the world's most
curious/discriminate coffee drinkers.
Most marriages in rural India are arranged, especially among Hindus, which are 82% in a population of 880 million
people. The Times of India reports the heavy veils worn by two brides at a double wedding ceremony caused them to marry the wrong
husbands. But, because they had already done "the seven perambulations around sacred fire," the elders determined the marriages were
final.
According to KRLD News Radio, producers in England are already taping "the ultimate" reality/survival television
show. During weekly segments these producers take a childless woman, give her a medical exam, then impregnate her by artificial
inseminations, using the sperm from two male donors. Using ultramodern medical technology, they will watch and record the race between
each group of sperm cells trying to beat the other to get the woman pregnant.
The London Independent's weekly magazine reported several years ago on adult men who go to the Hush-a-Bye
Club in southern England, where these, not so manly, men pay to crawl around on the floor dressed as infants. Owner "Mummy Clare" calls
them each such names as "Baby Michelle" or "Baby Cathy," while supplying them with baby food, bottled milk and diaper service, all for
only $110 a day. Of course, spankings cost $7 extra, but probably well worth it?
"The Great Peace Rebellion" (1851-64) caused the deaths of between 20 and 30 million Chinese. The Manchu
government was pitted against peasants of the Southern Ming Dynasty, led by a crazy man, Hung Hsiuch'uan, who totally believed he was
the younger brother of Jesus Christ.
"I'LL HAVE 36 EGGS OVER EASY, BACON, TOAST AND COFFEE"
If the only eggs you could buy were hummingbird eggs (they measure one-half by one-third of an inch), making an
omelet would require cracking about two dozen eggs. Making a cake needing the whites of 6 eggs would mean separating the yokes from
whites of at least two-and-a-half dozen of these tiny undeveloped embryos.
Edna Hobbs sued the makers of "The Clapper," in a New York court in 1993, claiming she had hurt her hands badly
trying to applaud their product loudly and often enough to turn on her lamp. She testified: "I couldn't peel potatoes (when my hands
hurt). I never ate so many baked potatoes in my life. I was in pain." The judge ruled she had the "sensitivity" control set too low, and
the case of the clapper was closed.
The Dallas Morning News reported on William Joseph Wolfe, 34, a Rush County man who decided to prepare his
wife a romantic bath, complete with bubbles, candle light and music. As his wife, Teresa, entered the warm bath and smiled back at her
husband, Wolfe picked up the radio supplying the romantic music and threw it to her (still plugged in). Fortunately, for her, she caught
the radio before it hit the water. Her husband, however, was charged with second degree attempted murder.
During a 1994 cold spell in Columbus, Ohio, George Gibbs, 23, determined his car would not start because of a
frozen fuel line. Planning to run warm gasoline through the line to thaw it, this purpose driven young man attempted to heat two gallons
of gasoline on his cook stove. (Next, he was rushed by ambulance to a hospital with second and third degree burns.)